Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Bullying
I realize it is popular in the current cultural atmosphere to admit to having been bullied as a kid. It is out there because the recent news has reported about teenagers and adults whom- when pushed to a point where they saw no other options to escape harassment and torment decided to end their lives. This is terribly sad. It is also not a new phenomenon. People, especially teenagers can be horribly cruel to one another. As a parent I know that my primary instinct is to protect my precious daughter from the cruelty of others- just as popular culture wants to protect these kids who are being picked on for being Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered, or you know- just "different" enough to be victimized. I was among them once- A kid being abused at home badly enough to act out in school. I drew attention to myself, and eventually became as the Japanese proverb goes "A nail that needed hammered down". And I got hammered- picked on in the spare hours by the popular kids. Beaten, and humiliated publicly on several occasions. When I would complain to my father; his advice? "Stop being such a pansy". I felt abandoned. I had friends who couldn't, or wouldn't stand with and defend me for risk of out-casting themselves and it often seemed as though I was in opposition to everyone, and anyone. I survived probably due to the fact that I had an escape. My Mother lived in another state and I could always go there to escape and even if only for a brief time things would be "normal" for me again.
So that was my life from 7th grade through 10th. Just survive, and try to stay sane. Things changed when I moved away and left my bullies behind, but I was still so effected that I tried to stay small, and off the radar. I didn't try to date a lot in High School, and I had a core group of friends with whom I stayed as loyal as I possibly could. It would seem odd that it was with one of those friends that I had my last high school "fight" during my Junior year. I fared better in that fight than I had as a youngster, and surprisingly I found that the conflict was squashed very soon after that. There is a lesson there.
I am going to step aside from popular culture here and make a statement that is probably going to seem a bit controversial- I'd like to thank my bullies.
Thanks for alienating me- it taught me the value of self reliance, and to be secure in my individuality.
Thanks for pushing me to my limits- It taught me that suffering isn't loss. It also taught me that I can endure the loneliness that comes from social isolation. Surviving that introduced me to what true companionship is and taught me to be more selective about my friendships. The friends I have today are like brothers (ok, and some sisters).
Thanks for that beating- it motivated me over the years to learn to defend myself.
Thanks for being an asshole- it is difficult to know what you don't want to be if you have never seen an example- sort of like not knowing how to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. The fact is, in the end you might have gotten some cheap shots at me when we were kids, but today you are still you, and now I get to be me. I don't know where you ended up, but I know where I am- and if I am being honest?
I win.
So should we stop bullying? Should we take from our kids the opportunity to flourish out of hardship? Should we strip from them the chance to see just what they are made of? I don't think so. We shouldn't take hardship from their lives. If we do that we just weaken their ability to become self reliant in a world that really doesn't give a fuck about their feelings.
What we need to do is build stronger kids. Reinforce that we love them- if they are Straight, Gay, Transgendered, or just weird or different in some way other kids will pick on. We need to just love them, build their confidence, teach them to defend themselves, and others. Give them the capacity to overcome the shallow minded individuals that would try to beat them into line, but don't take the challenge from them. It will only hurt them in the long run.
BTW- a note to any "mean girls" 13 years into our future- I'd steer clear of picking on my daughter. I can assure you she has all the tools she needs to take you, and your friends apart- piece by piece if necessary.
So that was my life from 7th grade through 10th. Just survive, and try to stay sane. Things changed when I moved away and left my bullies behind, but I was still so effected that I tried to stay small, and off the radar. I didn't try to date a lot in High School, and I had a core group of friends with whom I stayed as loyal as I possibly could. It would seem odd that it was with one of those friends that I had my last high school "fight" during my Junior year. I fared better in that fight than I had as a youngster, and surprisingly I found that the conflict was squashed very soon after that. There is a lesson there.
I am going to step aside from popular culture here and make a statement that is probably going to seem a bit controversial- I'd like to thank my bullies.
Thanks for alienating me- it taught me the value of self reliance, and to be secure in my individuality.
Thanks for pushing me to my limits- It taught me that suffering isn't loss. It also taught me that I can endure the loneliness that comes from social isolation. Surviving that introduced me to what true companionship is and taught me to be more selective about my friendships. The friends I have today are like brothers (ok, and some sisters).
Thanks for that beating- it motivated me over the years to learn to defend myself.
Thanks for being an asshole- it is difficult to know what you don't want to be if you have never seen an example- sort of like not knowing how to appreciate the good without having experienced the bad. The fact is, in the end you might have gotten some cheap shots at me when we were kids, but today you are still you, and now I get to be me. I don't know where you ended up, but I know where I am- and if I am being honest?
I win.
So should we stop bullying? Should we take from our kids the opportunity to flourish out of hardship? Should we strip from them the chance to see just what they are made of? I don't think so. We shouldn't take hardship from their lives. If we do that we just weaken their ability to become self reliant in a world that really doesn't give a fuck about their feelings.
What we need to do is build stronger kids. Reinforce that we love them- if they are Straight, Gay, Transgendered, or just weird or different in some way other kids will pick on. We need to just love them, build their confidence, teach them to defend themselves, and others. Give them the capacity to overcome the shallow minded individuals that would try to beat them into line, but don't take the challenge from them. It will only hurt them in the long run.
BTW- a note to any "mean girls" 13 years into our future- I'd steer clear of picking on my daughter. I can assure you she has all the tools she needs to take you, and your friends apart- piece by piece if necessary.
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