The quest for fitness, new challenges and swimming the ocean of doubt

My life of the past 4 years consists of challenging myself in one way or another. First was overcoming the fear of committing to parenthood. When Shannon became pregnant I recall a sense of elation, which was offset only slightly by a fear of the unknown. I have found that in many instances that when I embrace the challenge of the unknown that the best things happen. Being Lila’s Dad is certainly one of the greatest things that I have ever, or will ever do. It rewards me every day.

I feel much the same way about Jiu Jitsu. When I first stepped onto the mat I felt like a first time swimmer stepping into the pool. It was an environment I was unfamiliar, and a little uncomfortable with. After a little time, I found I could survive, and enjoy it. Now it is hard to imagine my life before BJJ, and even more difficult to imagine what it would be like without it. Jiu Jitsu is a sort of fellowship for me, and it’s study is something I look forward to, and think about every day.

I’ve often said that Jiu Jitsu gave me confidence. That confidence extends off the mat into my life. It drives me to put myself to the trial an everything I do. It has expanded my belief in my own abilities as an individual. Jiu Jitsu re-lit the athletic fire in my life. A fire that was long extinguished by the instant gratification of alcohol fueled adventure. Throughout my 20’s it seemed like the most interesting things happened with cold beverages, and drunken debauch. This takes a toll on the body, and it also takes a toll on the mind. When I hit my 30’s the adventures in drinking lost their luster. Recovery became rougher, and the same ole-same-ole became a bit depressing.

At my worst I was up to approx 220lbs, and looked old. I mean more than just grey hair- I felt old too. Fat in my face gave my eyes a sunken look. All my “best stories” took place in the past. The future was a boring subject to contemplate. That changed the first day I stepped onto the mat. I’ll be glad for that for the rest of my life.

After a year of training with Easton I began to look around for additional challenges. At that time I discovered Cyclocross. I also discovered Warrior Dash- which seemed a lot like Cyclocross on foot. I didn’t have money for a bike, but I could run so I decided to focus on Warrior Dash. About a week or so later my friend Kristi told me about Tough Mudder- which was like Warrior Dash, but triple the distance, with more difficult and more plentiful obstacles.

Last year when I committed to that first TM at Beaver Creek it was like I was standing on the shore of my island, looking across a vast ocean of doubt. It took all of my fiber to wade in and swim for what was then an unknown. This challenge intrigued me, and forced me to look within myself for strength- it challenged me more than just physically- it taunted my soul, and stirred me to action.

I’ve now run 2 Tough Mudder races in the past year, with a 3^rd on the horizon in June. I finished in the top 5% of the field at my second race and qualified for the World Championships. Tough Mudder doesn’t scare me anymore. Worse, it doesn’t challenge me. What was once an abyss now seems like a walk in the park. I need something new, and it needs to be something that I can build upon.

Even after that first Tough Mudder I remember feeling empty when I thought I should feel rewarded. There was so much build up to it that when it was over I felt like there should be some sort of spiritual reward- something, but instead it was more of a “done, dusted” sort of reaction. I signed up for the second one on a whim. It was reasonably close to my parent’s house so it seemed convenient, and I thought at that time I would have a team to run with. Why not sign up? I trained pretty hard for the second one. I had it in my mind to qualify for the World’s Toughest Mudder, and I figured with the flatter TX landscape I would be faster, and I was. I accomplished the goal of qualification. Still empty.

I now think I understand the emptiness I feel.  Milton said of Alexander the Great- "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer."  Perhaps this is true. TM is supposed to be the most challenging adventure race series out there. They poke fun at the 5k races along the route (there is a sign 5k into the Tough Mudder that says “if this were Warrior Dash you’d be finished now”) Beaver Creek is arguably the hardest standard TM race in the country due to the elevation changes, but I beat it on my first time out. Worse was that I saw a lot of non-athletes beat it. Nothing says you really accomplished something by earning the finishers headband like seeing a woman wearing a finishers headband while smoking a cigarette at the bar… It kinda takes the wind out of your sails to see something like that. Of course, it’s not a “race” so really she could have very walked the damn thing and gone around obstacles and still “finished” I guess, but this is beside the point.  The point is I need something new to challenge me. Phil vs. What? Phil vs. Tough Mudder is done. I did that shit. I’m going to do it again too, but that isn’t an aspiration anymore. It’s the standard now. Right now I’m standing on the shore of this new island, looking across a vast ocean again- and this time I’m really (actually) going to swim for it. I’ve started training for an as yet to be determined triathlon, and after spending time in the pool I’ve just come to realize- I suck at swimming.

Challenge Accepted.